Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
