I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i love accidental penises.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
