Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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