I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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