Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Randomize