apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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