My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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