fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
But theres a keg here and me gusta
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
