I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
