Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
