He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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