what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
