my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Randomize
