and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
