It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
