I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
