She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize