Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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