This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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