I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
