Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
