I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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