I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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