I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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