Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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