all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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