he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Found the puke drawer
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
my liver is dry heaving
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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