someone owes me an orgasm
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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