Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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