You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
