I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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