Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
