I checked into jail on foursquare
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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