bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
