I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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