when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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