My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
