Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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