I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
