dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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