All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
