....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize