yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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