I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
