No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
