I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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