shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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