I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
