R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
