the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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