Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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