He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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