it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
