I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
