Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
