I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
