Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Blood and glitter go together right?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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