Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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