my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
