eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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