Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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