theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
