this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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