walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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