Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
